I admit it. I was weeping. I got another phone call from a doctor without an answer. No explanation for my pain or issues. And it just triggered the tears. I know I should have taken it as good news that there weren’t any major problems discovered, but I just took it as one more thing I am supposed to live with.
I don’t talk a lot about my health on here, but years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. If you don’t know what Fibromyalgia is, it is a disease or syndrome of exclusion. Meaning you have a million symptoms or health problems and they test and search and scratch their heads, but they can’t figure it out. So if the symptoms of pain match, they label it Fibromyalgia.
I have lived with pain for as long as I can remember. I have big pain from herniated discs in my back (previous surgeries) that sometimes gets so bad I can’t walk. Then I have this everyday pain that comes from something as small as a strap on my bra or a hat on my head or rubbing a spot on my ribs. I am that sensitive to touch and pressure that it will cause me to have aching pain there for hours on end from those little things.
I have a myriad of other symptoms that I chase down and get nowhere. I try alternative therapies (water physical therapy was by far my favorite) and I try changing my diet. I try medications they suggest and new stretches and exercises. Either I don’t try them for long enough or they don’t actually work. Either way, I am still living with a great deal of pain every day.
And my house shows it. It’s very difficult for me to clean up after myself, let alone my husband and 3 kids. My kids also have some pretty big medical issues I am trying to manage, plus the demands of school and activities. That leaves no time or energy for getting my life and my home put back together. My husband helps with the kids and dinner when he gets home, so it leaves little time for cleaning or picking up as he needs some down time too, after working all day. And the truth is, we can’t afford to have someone come in and help us. So we basically just live in utter chaos and mess.
So when I got the doctor call and they again had no answers, I started to weep. I just had one of those feel sorry for myself moments. I said “I am just so sick of this! I mean, look at my life” as I gestured around the mountains of laundry and dust bunnies in every corner. But as I said it, those words hung in the air.
Look at my life. Yes, look it. Look a little closer. What is the mess really? Clothes piled high from my 3 amazing children. Chaos that comes from living in a small house in a wonderful neighborhood. Toys scattered everywhere from a life of play and time together. I mean, look at my life. Look at what I get. A roof over my head and a beautiful family.
After going through infertility, I am especially grateful for my children, children that some people don’t get to have. I met a woman yesterday that was never able to have children after 20 years of trying. I get to have children. I get to live in amazing, beautiful town. Look at my life.
Look at my life. It’s filled with a whole heap of chaos and hardships, but whose isn’t? Where is it promised that life will be easy? My absolute favorite verse in the bible is from John 16:33 when Jesus told his disciples, “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”. He is basically saying “Things are going to suck sometimes. But chin up, because I’ve got this handled.”
So, my chin goes up, my eyes go up, because “Look at my life.” It is full of amazing blessings. Sometimes I have to look really hard for them, but they are there. There is always something we can find to be grateful for. I know there are people who are struggling so much more than I am. I know that things could be so much worse. I know all of this could be gone in an instant. And it’s really hard for me to remember this on daily basis in the midst of the tantrums and carpool and dinner and bad grades, but I keep trying.
I push forward another day. I step over the laundry and sit down and read my son a book. I go for walk in my beautiful neighborhood, soaking in the crisp fall air. I celebrate the little things. I write. I look for ways to serve others and I acknowledge my blessings, even though I may not feel well doing it. Because “Look at my Life”
I don’t normally pour my heart out on here to this extent because, well…what will people think of me?? =) But I am so committed to the cause of exposing the lies that we are the only one suffering through things that I am risking the judgment, the criticism and people feeling sorry for me (which doesn’t help!). So please, share your stories. With me, with your family, friends, strangers, I don’t care- just do it! Don’t suffer alone and don’t believe the lies that you are the only one suffering. Also, if you have any tips to share about you turn your day around, I would love to hear it! =)